Oh yeaaah. This.

I feel like this is something people do-start a blog, promise to keep up and then  totally forget about it. Obviously it's something 'I' do. So here I am again, making promises to try to keep writing. I even thought about starting a whole new blog but figured why bother if this is still floating around out there, I might as well just go with it. Okay, so, done with the explanations and excuses. Most of what I've written about in the past is about being a mom, and a wife and a woman who is just trying to figure shit out as I go. I suppose that's a good place to start. I feel like I have important stuff to say sometimes and nobody to say it to. So this is my solution. I guess I'll just dive right in with some crap- I live in Hawaii now and I don't super love it. I feel guilty and stupid even saying that, which only adds to my misery. Sometimes I want to lay it all out on Facebook but again that just adds to the feeling stupid part. So here's a big long thing I wrote and then decided was too annoying for Facebook but is perfectly okay in a blog (right?)   depression is like living in a deep dark place with no proverbial 'light at the end of the tunnel'. But there is another kind of sadness. The kind that is not like living at the bottom of a well. The kind where we CAN see the light but it's really far away and while we might have all the tools and all the support and all the hope and knowledge to know for sure it's going to be alright,  it's still really really hard. Part of it is very specific to being a military spouse. That feeling of instability, of being uprooted, ungrounded. Sometimes it feels so light, so free, so good to know I am capable of just packing up and moving on and making a great life wherever the Navy sends us and making a lasting impression of positivity and love anywhere we go. But there is a dark side. Laying all that love on the line, putting in all the work and positivity and then having to leave it behind is hard. What's even harder is seeing those communities and friendships and things you once were a part of thriving without you. Moving forward and expanding and becoming exactly what you had hoped they would but not being there to partake in the fruits of your labor. I suppose this is what true love is. Looking back and appreciating that you had the opportunity to be a part of it to begin with  and fighting the urge to be hurt by growth in your absence and knowing that you still have a million chances to do other great things.  

Oh and here is a picture of a beautiful butterfly in my yard- it's symbolism or whatever.